I’m back … and all wrapped up!

Posted by Carrie on April 25, 2009

Well, there’s only one thing to say … I’m back! Back to blogging that is. No, no, this won’t be a daily thing - probably once a week or maybe even just once a month but in all honesty, I’ve missed it. I was into the blogging thing in college and it’s been just about three years since I’ve blogged so I thought I’d get back into it. Truth be told, Marvin has been asking me if I wanted to blog so I thought why not?! If nothing else, it will be a place for me to process my thoughts, concerns, frustrations and curiosities. Who knows,  it may be a place for me to update people on me. I know I haven’t been the best at keeping in touch lately.

It’s so crazy how we all get wrapped up in our lives and the day-to-day stuff. I’m not saying that getting wrapped up in our lives is an inherently “bad” thing but it happens. I guess it’s part of human nature. After all, if we don’t care for and worry about ourselves how are we ever going to make it through life? It’s unfortunate, though, that as we go through our lives, we end up hurting people without realizing it or even meaning to. It’s amazing how we push someone’s existence aside because we are too busy worrying about ourselves. That is until that someone bounds into your life out of nowhere. They just show up, sometimes - as is this case I’m referring to- unwelcome and certainly uninvited.

I find myself still pondering this instance when my father showed up and put a letter on the driver’s seat of my car a few weeks ago. I still find myself getting nervous when someone knocks at our door. I still look around for his car when I’m out doing errands, just in case. And what for?! It shouldn’t matter should it? But somehow, for some reason, he still gets to me. Why can’t you just leave me alone? Isn’t it clear that I want nothing to do with you? What do I have to say or do to get that through your stubborn,  narcisstic head?

I wish this wasn’t even an issue. I wish this wasn’t how it all turned out. But it is and it did turn out this way. Believe me, nobody, least of all me, wants to be estranged from their father. I miss you. I love you. But I cannot hurt the way I have been hurt by you. I wish I still had hope, that there was some indication that you would change and get the help you  truly need. I just can’t wait forever and this is the only life I’ve got live. I need to live it my way, under my terms. I wish you could understand, I wish it were different, but wishing hasn’t changed this situation. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I can’t keep wishing and waiting. I’ve got my life to live. And time is wasting …